Hello everyone and welcome back to My Blurred World.
I hope you’re all doing really well.
Honesty is always the best policy, right? In today’s post I thought I’d share some honesty with you all. I normally write these posts just for myself and never publish them but today I’m switching it up a little. I find that writing posts like this really help to relieve all those feelings that build up inside of me and since I want to make my blog a little bit more personal (but not to personal of course) I’d like to share this post with you all.
Let’s just call this a little heart to heart.
You might not find it particularly interesting but I hope you can take something away from it.
I don’t really know where to begin if I’m honest with you, there’s so much I have to say and sometimes that’s hard to put into words but here goes.
Let’s start by talking about my vision. Most of you will probably know that I am severely sight impaired due to a condition called Retinitis Pigmentosa, I’ve talked so many times about it on my blog as one of my main aims when writing this blog is to raise awareness of visual impairment. Recently I’ve noticed that my vision has been deteriorating a little everyday but in the last couple of weeks it’s got even worse and continues to do so. All I can say is that it’s scary, although I try my very best to stay positive, it can get too much sometimes. Knowing that I’m gradually losing my vision and I might not get it back is an extremely daunting feeling, I have tears in my eyes as I think about it and writing this makes it even more realistic. That is why I try not to think about it too much and always try to focus on the positives.
I’ve experienced deterioration in my vision before but it’s never been this bad, I experienced constant flashing lights in front of my yes which have died down but they’ve left my vision even more unclear and there are some days where I can hardly see a thing. I’ve also been experiencing a lot of pain which is also very scary but I have to accept that my condition will cause things like this to happen and I just have to get on with my day-to-day life. Being negative isn’t an option here but I can’t deny that the amount of ‘down days’ have increased recently.
Another thing that’s been spiralling out of control recently is my anxiety, it’s a little more controlled now than it was about a week ago. I’m not sure why I’ve been feeling anxious, I think it might be a mixture of factors such as the deterioration in my vision and some other pressures due to other things in life. If you’ve read some of my previous posts you’ll know that I find it very difficult to talk about my anxiety, and have only truly opened up about it here on my blog. I think everything has been bubbling up inside of me and I just don’t know who to turn to. I don’t know who to talk about these feelings with but when someone has given me the opportunity to talk about it I clam up and can’t get the words out and don’t know what to say so all those feelings remain inside of me and I don’t know what to do with them. If you suffer from anxiety you’ll know that it isn’t a pleasant feeling to constantly feel anxious and not knowing what to do about it, I find it difficult and although I’m trying to find strategies to deal with it, it can get too much sometimes.
All the little things that might not normally bother me suddenly will and it makes me feel frustrated because my anxiety doesn’t let me get that out of my mind and I end up taking those frustrations out on the people around me which makes me feel even worse. It’s such a hard thing to explain. I end up locking myself away because of this as I don’t want to put a burden on other people.
I sometimes seem to think that the world and everyone in it is against me and that everyone is judging me, I can’t get that thought out of my mind. I do still hear people talking about me behind my back, it’s something that I’ve had to deal with for the majority of my life and it’s not a pleasant feeling. Knowing that people can act as nice as pie to my face and say such harsh things about me behind my back isn’t a nice feeling and makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.
I know I’m coming across very negatively in this post, I don’t like being negative, I always try to maintain a positive outlook on life but sometimes these things need to be said. Life isn’t easy, we all know that, everyone is facing their own battle and the things I’ve mentioned above happen to be a few of mine. I think it’s important to talk about these things because it might help others in a similar situation and we can all learn that we are not alone.
Things get hard sometimes, that is a lesson that I’m sure everyone has learned or are learning as they make their way through life. I won’t hide the fact that I have ‘down days’, as I said, I’ve had quite a few recently but that doesn’t mean that things will be bad forever.
I try to smile everyday because being happy is important to me, no matter what kind of day I’m having, I think it’s always important to crack a smile.
I know that I have a few things I need to deal with right now but I have such a good support network around me who I know will help me through anything.
I hope you know that you’re not alone either.
My honest words are far from over but I don’t want to bore you with them for any longer today, if you’d like me to write another post like this in the future then please do let me know as I have so much more I want to say.
Thank you so much for reading today’s post. Please do comment below or get in touch on social media with anything you have to say as I welcome any feedback and I love to hear from you.